Parent Experiencing Bedtime Issues with Son
So what do you suggest when a parent asks your advice? As an example - my son won't stay in his bed after cuddles,books,potty and more cuddles?
Kathleen,
Cracking the code to bedtime is a process. I think I understand your basic definition of winning in this situation. Your son goes to bed willingly and without any problems. What we need to know is what your son's definition of winning is when going to bed. Cracking the code to unlocking your son's focus in this area starts with you. Right now, he is not sitting around thinking about how he is going to avoid going to bed tonight. He does not have an issue at this point, only you do. The process he goes through every night before bed has become his normal routine. Let’s start to change this.
Lets think about your son. He wants to stay up. What's wrong with letting him? I know it is a stretch but stay with me. This isn't as bad of an idea as it seems on the surface. Let's be honest, there is a big part of him going to bed that involves preserving your personal time, something I am sure that is very important to you. If you can draw upon the courage to follow what I am going to say, I will hopefully show you how to get more quality Mommy time in the very near future.
Working with children, I know a little about their motivations. Fun is one of their primary motivations. Being curious, exploring, and even getting into trouble is fun for them. We, as adults, get bogged down by our routines fail to engage our curiosity, and adventurous ways a lot of the time. Herein, is where the gap between adults and children lies. You can start reducing the distance that separates your thinking from your sons at bedtime by empowering him to become a more active part of the bedtime process.
Start bedtime a little bit earlier tonight, 30 minutes earlier.
Before you do, prepare the house for bed by turning off the television. You may already do this and if you do good job. Televisions over stimulate our minds. They are an especially big distractions when children are trying to be wound down for bed.Tonight you will begin the process as you use to end it, by sitting one-on-one with your son. The idea is, if he can begin to look forward to you focusing on him earlier in the night than, this will prepare his mind for the new processes you will introducing.
Getting Started
1. Deliver an Agenda- In your one-on-one tell him the agenda for the evening. Tell him about your surprise. He can stay up late. Go through everything he needs to do to prepare to go to bed.
2. Delegate- Let your son run the process. Do not follow him around, this only enables him. Learn to watch from afar and guide him where necessary with verbal cues. The point being, if you do all the work than, why should he be tired at then end of the night? Let him engage in the process. Let him pick out the pajamas and put them on. Let him tell you what type of snack before bed. Let him choose the book you read. Let him choose two toys he can take to bed and play with quietly after you turn the light out. Get him a step stool, if you don't already have one, and let him prepare the toothbrush and toothpaste to brush his teeth. You may need to instruct him how to gently squeeze the tube the first time.
3. Decreased Affection- The process is a time when you start to withdraw your "cuddles." Why would he want to go to bed if Mom makes him feel so special at the end of the night?" A kiss on the forehead is all I remember getting as a kid. Maybe I had difficulty at bedtime? You are still cuddling him just in a new way. You are "cuddling" his mind with verbal coaching. I know it is not as sentimental, but physical affection alone isn't working. Throughout the process, talk to him and help keep him on target. He will feel your love in a new way and hopefully learn to respect and desire it.
4. Deliver Praise- Get excited about his opportunity to stay up. Before you read him a story tell him a story tell him how proud you are of everything he did on his own. He is really becoming a big boy. Big boys know how to go to bed on their own.
5. Defer- This is one I already talked about, but it needs to be restated. It is best he is free from distractions and it may be best to keep the television off as you get started in this new process. Once you've established the routine (3-7 days) you can gradually reintegrate the television after he goes to bed.
6. Remain Diligent- The thing to keep in mind, this is a new process and new things, as talked about earlier, are exciting for kids. Your son will have extra energy in the beginning and he will try and test you by wanting another drink; or having to go potty; or telling you he is hungry; or wanting to turn the light on; or wanting to play with different toys than the one's selected. How you respond is key here. Be Calming and non-reactive. Be nice, but show him no extra special attention. Remember, it is bedtime. He mirrors your responses. You get excited he perceives it as extra attention that merits the behavior again the next night. Tell him nicely it is the the last drink tonight, softly tell him to go potty, you will open the door or turn on the closet light on but no bedroom light. He will get a last drink but no more snacks. He may quickly change toys and crawl back into bed. This is a crucial stage and one, if done right will merit you the quality time you desire in the evenings.
I know your biggest fear has to be, he will stay up all night long. In my experience, the exact opposite is the case. Children are already tired after a long day just as you or I would be. This process is designed to further tire them out. The fact of the matter is whether it is your son or any child, if you follow the plan he should fall asleep within 30 minutes of their head hitting the pillow. And if you will remember, I added in 30 minutes to the bedtime process in the beginning. All-in-all, you should lose minimal Mommy time in executing the process.
Good luck. Tell me how it goes.
Coach Brad
Here are more sources that can give you more insight on this matter and empower you to coach your child by cracking the code to unlock their focus.
1. Helping Your Toddler to Learn to Fall Asleep http://yourparentingsolutions.com/toddler-learn-to-sleep-trainin/
Kathleen,
Cracking the code to bedtime is a process. I think I understand your basic definition of winning in this situation. Your son goes to bed willingly and without any problems. What we need to know is what your son's definition of winning is when going to bed. Cracking the code to unlocking your son's focus in this area starts with you. Right now, he is not sitting around thinking about how he is going to avoid going to bed tonight. He does not have an issue at this point, only you do. The process he goes through every night before bed has become his normal routine. Let’s start to change this.
Lets think about your son. He wants to stay up. What's wrong with letting him? I know it is a stretch but stay with me. This isn't as bad of an idea as it seems on the surface. Let's be honest, there is a big part of him going to bed that involves preserving your personal time, something I am sure that is very important to you. If you can draw upon the courage to follow what I am going to say, I will hopefully show you how to get more quality Mommy time in the very near future.
Working with children, I know a little about their motivations. Fun is one of their primary motivations. Being curious, exploring, and even getting into trouble is fun for them. We, as adults, get bogged down by our routines fail to engage our curiosity, and adventurous ways a lot of the time. Herein, is where the gap between adults and children lies. You can start reducing the distance that separates your thinking from your sons at bedtime by empowering him to become a more active part of the bedtime process.
Start bedtime a little bit earlier tonight, 30 minutes earlier.
Before you do, prepare the house for bed by turning off the television. You may already do this and if you do good job. Televisions over stimulate our minds. They are an especially big distractions when children are trying to be wound down for bed.Tonight you will begin the process as you use to end it, by sitting one-on-one with your son. The idea is, if he can begin to look forward to you focusing on him earlier in the night than, this will prepare his mind for the new processes you will introducing.
Getting Started
1. Deliver an Agenda- In your one-on-one tell him the agenda for the evening. Tell him about your surprise. He can stay up late. Go through everything he needs to do to prepare to go to bed.
2. Delegate- Let your son run the process. Do not follow him around, this only enables him. Learn to watch from afar and guide him where necessary with verbal cues. The point being, if you do all the work than, why should he be tired at then end of the night? Let him engage in the process. Let him pick out the pajamas and put them on. Let him tell you what type of snack before bed. Let him choose the book you read. Let him choose two toys he can take to bed and play with quietly after you turn the light out. Get him a step stool, if you don't already have one, and let him prepare the toothbrush and toothpaste to brush his teeth. You may need to instruct him how to gently squeeze the tube the first time.
3. Decreased Affection- The process is a time when you start to withdraw your "cuddles." Why would he want to go to bed if Mom makes him feel so special at the end of the night?" A kiss on the forehead is all I remember getting as a kid. Maybe I had difficulty at bedtime? You are still cuddling him just in a new way. You are "cuddling" his mind with verbal coaching. I know it is not as sentimental, but physical affection alone isn't working. Throughout the process, talk to him and help keep him on target. He will feel your love in a new way and hopefully learn to respect and desire it.
4. Deliver Praise- Get excited about his opportunity to stay up. Before you read him a story tell him a story tell him how proud you are of everything he did on his own. He is really becoming a big boy. Big boys know how to go to bed on their own.
5. Defer- This is one I already talked about, but it needs to be restated. It is best he is free from distractions and it may be best to keep the television off as you get started in this new process. Once you've established the routine (3-7 days) you can gradually reintegrate the television after he goes to bed.
6. Remain Diligent- The thing to keep in mind, this is a new process and new things, as talked about earlier, are exciting for kids. Your son will have extra energy in the beginning and he will try and test you by wanting another drink; or having to go potty; or telling you he is hungry; or wanting to turn the light on; or wanting to play with different toys than the one's selected. How you respond is key here. Be Calming and non-reactive. Be nice, but show him no extra special attention. Remember, it is bedtime. He mirrors your responses. You get excited he perceives it as extra attention that merits the behavior again the next night. Tell him nicely it is the the last drink tonight, softly tell him to go potty, you will open the door or turn on the closet light on but no bedroom light. He will get a last drink but no more snacks. He may quickly change toys and crawl back into bed. This is a crucial stage and one, if done right will merit you the quality time you desire in the evenings.
I know your biggest fear has to be, he will stay up all night long. In my experience, the exact opposite is the case. Children are already tired after a long day just as you or I would be. This process is designed to further tire them out. The fact of the matter is whether it is your son or any child, if you follow the plan he should fall asleep within 30 minutes of their head hitting the pillow. And if you will remember, I added in 30 minutes to the bedtime process in the beginning. All-in-all, you should lose minimal Mommy time in executing the process.
Good luck. Tell me how it goes.
Coach Brad
Here are more sources that can give you more insight on this matter and empower you to coach your child by cracking the code to unlock their focus.
1. Helping Your Toddler to Learn to Fall Asleep http://yourparentingsolutions.com/toddler-learn-to-sleep-trainin/
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