Avoid the Parenting Trap of Mulligan Thinking

As a Youth Sports Instructor, I realize I don’t manage children in the same ways you do as a parent. You deal with the everyday challenges of getting ready in the morning, working, eating out, shopping, traveling, all amidst raising children. Not surprisingly, I have to believe, there are times, when you are on the phone, or when your hands are full or when you are rushing out the door when your child will ask you in an astute voice, “Mommy, where do I start tying my shoes?” The absurdity of the moment can take you completely by surprise. As you search for the answers, the thoughts in your mind can converge and begin screaming at you, “I just don’t have time for this right now.” How often does it occur that the deafening volume of your mind’s voices become your actual responses? Your screaming quickly replaces an opportune parenting moment to coach a child on tying a shoe, buckling a safety belt, zipping up a jacket, choosing pajamas, or learning the answers to simple questions.

When parenting leads to difficulty managing the moment, it can sometimes make ordinary thinking feel like you are opening, without scissors mind you, one of those impenetrable plastic packaging containers perfume sometimes comes in. You can see what you want to say but you can’t get it out. Lost in translation, you can find yourself frustrated and forced to defer an otherwise valuable parenting opportunity. You opt to take a mulligan on your actions.

What is a mulligan you ask? For those who have never played golf, a mulligan is a do-over or second chance. For example, taking a mulligan in parenting can be as simple as tying a shoe, buckling a safety belt, zipping up a coat, or choosing pajamas for your children. Instead of spending the time necessary to coach children through the process, you do it for them. Yes, children eventually learn these processes, but until they do it is you who is enabling them and it is your time lost. These seemingly insignificant moments add up to become reasons why parents complain of not having enough time.

Taking a mulligan in parenting isn't exactly the same as taking one in golf. In golf, a poorly hit shot leaves a golfer saying, "I will take a mulligan to make up for my previous shot." Immediately, they commit to hitting a better shot with the second try. In parenting for example, inconvenient timing leaves a parent saying, "I cannnot do it now, but I will commit at a later time (mulligan thinking) to coaching my child through zipping up their jacket." The difference is a golfer's now or immediate commitment to change versus parent's later or deferred commitment to change. Understandably, busy lifestyles make mulligan thinking a necessary reality of today’s parenting. There is nothing wrong with it as long as you use mulligan thinking in moderation. Unfortunately, many parents don’t realize how much they rely on it. Trouble occurs when parents overuse mulligan thinking and second chances quickly turn into a failure to follow up.

Undoubtedly, there are many reasons for why a failure to follow up occurred: Work schedules, chores, beauty sleep, a favorite television show, they all can be made to sound like justifiable reasons. They also can be categorized as excuses that continuously contribute to parent's failure to follow up on life lessons that would aid in their child's development. Herein, is where parents get caught in the parenting trap I call Mulligan Thinking. Consequently, parents begin feeling reoccurring patterns of frustration caused by children’s failure to live up to their expectations. This is followed by guilt that emerges as a result of recalling the foregone parenting opportunities that could have made a difference. How do you break free from mulligan thinking, learn to follow up and drop feelings of frustration and guilt? How we think must be broken down in order to understand the solutions.

When you are confronted with a problem, undoubtedly, from time to time you will have feelings of uncertainty and hesitancy. These are reasonable and natural feelings for any parent, or non-parent for that matter, to have. Leadership expert Joseph Badarraco states, “This sense of uncertainty is not a sign of cowardice or muddle-headedness; it is usually an honest, sound intuition of what lies ahead.” Dealing with the uncertainty of the moment, nonetheless, can be uncomfortable, but wouldn’t you agree so is the time spent managing the frustration and guilt caused by your mulligan thinking? The trade off is the difference between being a proactive parent prioritizing what matters most in the moment, your children, versus being a reactive parent and having to manage the feelings of frustration and guilt caused by inaction and your irresponsibility to take control over the moment.

Consider the parenting rewards of taking control over the moment. Instead of enabling children, every minute spent coaching them becomes an opportunity to expand the gateway to more efficient parenting. Two weeks and a few minutes a day, for example, dedicated to coaching your child on the simple task of zipping their jacket can begin saving you hours of your valuable time over a long cold winter. By coaching children in the moment, you can avoid hours spent thinking about how you will recreate that which could have taken you mere minutes in the moment to complete. Hence, your investment into the moment creates time you didn’t know existed and opportunities for clearer judgment.

As you start confronting versus avoiding the moment, you become privileged to recognizing revolving parenting issues and start spending the time, otherwise spent in frustration, coaching and seeing your child not only meet your expectations but exceeding them. In your clearer thinking, you will be amazed at how the momentum of the moment begins to swing in your favor. Time will seemingly stand still and wait for you to do what is necessary to accommodate the development of your child. Stress levels decrease and emotions become more natural as you learn how to overcome the unforeseen nuances, ripple effects and other pitfalls of parenting.

As you go forward and think about fixing your parenting, it can be hard to completely trace back in your mind the source of all your parenting issues. This can be a slippery slope that embraces mulligan thinking and does not allow you to get started blazing a new trail towards change. Commit to taking control over the moment. Make this moment your starting point and let its mental marker be the reminder of what matters most in your life, your family. As you blaze your trail, you will inevitably get hungry for mulligan thinking again. Remember to use it in moderation and each time you do, think of it as a day old donut. Like donuts, the freshest moment is the one that has the most goodness inside.


See you in class!.


Copyright © 2007 by Bradley J. Kayden. All Rights Reserved.