The Three Ordinary Virtues of Parenting: Restraint, Modesty & Tenacity

Since the divide between coaching and parenting character in children is slim, I enjoy sharing some of the leadership strategies that I stumble upon, from time to time, and use. Recently, I couldn’t help but think about how many of you hard working parents, unknowingly, epitomize what is known as a quiet form of leadership for your families. Quiet leaders are different than the types of leaders we are accustomed to hearing about. The biggest difference is they don’t do what they do for reward or recognition; they do what they do mostly because they feel it is the right thing to do. The ordinary virtues of quiet leadership are just that, “ordinary.” Everyone can relate with them. I find them to be healthy ways to develop character in ourselves and in youth.

I often read that character is a by-product of sports participation. I feel this sort of thinking is flawed. Character is something that is “taught” versus “caught.” As role models everyone—parents, coaches, sports organizations, and communities plays a part in building character into today’s youth.

Who has the largest influence? You do as parents. You represent “character mirrors” that reflect the differences between right and wrong. For example, children watch how you react when criticized. They learn the meaning of character from your responses, they exhibit like emotions and they will be taught to put the same importance on gaining approval as you do.

As parents, you might not have thought of yourself as a leader before now, but you should. The Three Ordinary Virtues of Parenting are based on leadership philosophy. Some of the virtues, you may already be practicing. If not, ask yourself what you could be doing differently. Here is a basic understanding of what the three virtues are and what they are about.

Virtue #1-Restraint

Restraint, although conservative is not effortless. This is a time to conserve your energies, listen and reflect on what it is your child is learning. This, as you might agree, is more constructive than running on auto-pilot exhaustingly responding to everything your children does. You can begin practicing restraint by nurturing children’s opportunities to be self-taught. Allow them to recognize for themselves, the nuances and complexities that exist in whatever it is that they are doing. When children are enabled, few “teachable moments” exist and, consequently, you have less opportunity to test their instincts. The virtue of restraint allows you to your guide child in their thinking and help them create an identity of their own. Overall, I find restraint to play an important role in healthy child development.

Virtue #2- Modesty

Embracing your parental role as a quiet leader is an empowering way to see your hard work in a positive light. The virtue of modesty in quiet leadership is rooted in patience and a desire to do the right thing. As task masters, you, like many other parents, strive for the completion checkmark that validates your actions. But, what happens when the task cannot be completed and the checkmark is not possible? How are your attitudes affected? Having the patience to value and reflect on the small wins that happen inside the tasks of your daily life can make a tremendous difference on your attitudes and how you think about parenting. Children are very simple in their thinking; they appreciate when you respect small wins and in return show you more of their respect. Small wins, however menial, matter enormously and they can assist you in your efforts to do the right thing and be the quiet leader you most want to be for your family.

Virtue #3-Tenacity

The final virtue is tenacity. Quiet leaders tenaciously educate themselves. In the parenting ranks, this can mean truly understanding what your parenting strategies are. When problems arise, firm parenting strategies help you not only make good choices but choose your battles wisely. How do quiet leaders do this? They choose only the battles that they know they are likely to see through to the end.

As a coach, I will tell you that these leadership virtues keep me celebrating children and practicing the art of happy coaching. My hope is you will experience the same celebrations and find happy parenting inside these ordinary virtues. Best of luck to you my quiet leader readers. See you in class!